Friday, November 16, 2012

The Process -- Always Question Yourself Kindly

One of the things Coach Carlisle[1]  talks about a lot in his postgame natter and other interviews (most coaches do) is how development is a process. Meaning that changes and improvements come gradually. It's important to trust that what you're doing is doing good, even when it feels like all you're doing is shoveling shit from a sitting position.

So I've been trying to recouch the way I think about appearance. Not just mine, but everyone's.

Someone's wearing a dress that pulls snug across a big tummy? Or they're showing off a bare midriff? Or isn't wearing a shirt? I'm trying to step back from the Go Home And Change reflex. There are standards of propriety in the professional world, of course, but when people are out living their lives they've got a right to roll however they do. My distaste is a matter of my own personal preferance, not their failure to live up to some criteria of good enough. It's wrong to insist other people live by my standards.

It's interesting. I never thought of myself as a body-hater, but a lot of my time and attention is spent doing that. Stuff like declaring when I come to power it'll be illegal to have a butt as shapely as so-and-so's, or that someone-or-other shoud really not wear slacks that snug, and of course 'Spandex -- It's a privilege, not a right.' It says I'm maybe not so free of appearance-judgement as I thought.

It's okay for me to do it to others but everyone else has to accept me as I am? Gee Beej, double-standard much?

I can't reserve for myself the bad habit I demand that everyone else let go of. Or put another way, it's very difficult to be accepting of one's self when one's busy condemning others.

**So what's the process you should be trusting?**

I kinda wandered away from that, didn't I? That I can't just flip a switch and undo a lifetime of self-hate conditioning without questioning and changing other aspects of how I relate to the world.

There's another process I need to trust too. Ragen was talking just today[2] about how giving up dieting wasn't as easy as standing up and declaring I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Not Gonna Take It Anymore! It's about giving up the hope that if you just work hard enough and wish hard enough you'll be normal and your real life can begin, all insecurities forgotten and all problems manageable.

It's the dream of a child, and it needs to go away.

**Surrendering a deep belief takes time, and beating yourself up for maintaining it doesn't help.**

I know, I know. I'm tempted to refer to the Kuebler-Ross model of dealing with loss, also known as the Jewish Law Firm from All That Jazz.

It's silly to think of Stage One of Intuitive Eating -- giving up the diet menality -- as a process of loss that requires grieving. Is this valid or am I overidentifying with a movie that's struck chords in me more than once?

**It's something to chew over anyway.**


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